Meditation Doesn’t Have To Be So Hard
Is your mind "too busy" to meditate? Do you feel like you're not "good at it"?
If you’re like most people I know, you’ve probably heard of or tried meditation, think it's a good idea, and found it difficult to build a lasting habit.
I’ve been there, plenty. But a couple years into my practice, I started learning to think about meditation differently, in a way that changed everything.
Right now, you might think meditation looks something like this…
You’re sitting perfectly content, in a beautiful landscape, and your mind is totally clear. Or maybe you’re clearing your mind. Or maybe you’re spontaneously levitating because you’re meditating so hard.
Well it’s so much easier!
It’s not hard to be a “good” meditator. It just takes some instruction tuned for our Western mindset.
For clarity, most of us associate meditation with mindfulness meditation, also called Vipassana or Insight Meditation. That’s the flavor I’m referencing, here.
Some years ago, I was working 12+ hour days in tech, and someone I trusted insisted I begin meditating.
I have a rule of threes — when three people I trust recommend I do something I believe to be potentially beneficial, I’ll basically do it.
Well, this was my third (the last time I’d considered meditation, I’d decided it was too woo woo).
So, I downloaded Headspace (thanks for that soothing voice, Andy) and gradually developed a daily practice.
I can now say that regular meditation has had the single biggest positive impact on my life — it’s like that magic genie that grants (allows) all the other wishes. I’m nowhere near as stressed and work less. I notice improved concentration; relationships; exercise; diet; sleep; and perhaps most importantly, increased feelings of peace, joy, and meaning.
These benefits are also backed by science.
But let me also take this opportunity to bust the myth that meditation is all unicorns and rainbows. That’s how it felt at first for me (and even that will vary by person), but then the really hard things started coming up, especially the things I hadn’t dealt with from childhood. Some of the most challenging and intense, yet introspective and rewarding, experiences in my life have come through the practice.
So that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong…quite the opposite. Meditation with difficult thoughts or even just a distracted brain is giving yourself a gift, an acknowledgement of and attending to what’s real.
And it’s important not to practice for the benefits — that just feeds the ego and gets in the way. You can instead keep in mind a sincere interest in the journey, a pure intention for the benefit of all beings — let that carry you. Notice the difference between how you feel after meditation. And be gentle and encouraging with yourself when (not if) it’s difficult.
Chödrön writes, “practice is not about accomplishing anything...but about ceasing to struggle and relaxing as it is...then we develop the wisdom and compassion to communicate sanely with the threats and fears of our daily life.” She continues, “usually we feel that there's a large problem and we have to fix it. The instruction is to stop. Do something unfamiliar. Do anything besides rushing off in the same old direction.”
You can think of it like exercise for the mind — not always fun in the moment, though rewarding in the end.
Since starting with Headspace, I’ve learned from a bunch of teachers and apps, regularly sat silent meditation retreats, read a number of books, listened to countless podcasts on the science of mindfulness, meditated bi-weekly with a group of friends, completed about half of a two-year teacher training with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach, and obviously missed a few days of practice here and there.
So onto the point— over time, lots of friends and colleagues have asked me how to become “better” meditators.
I think the secret for most is, the mind is not supposed to be clear, and the notion of being a “good” meditator is the issue in and of itself.
At some point, the mind will probably remember it was meditating — the Pali word “sati,” commonly translated as “mindfulness,” is also translated as “remembering” (like that pure mind babies have) — versus aiming to get lost in fantasy, rumination, planning, the past, etc.
You see, thoughts aren't the enemy. Judgement is. Like each skillful rep at the gym builds body muscle, noticing thoughts with kindness in meditation builds mindfulness. We practice being with what is, not making the thoughts go away or always be pleasant. We start where we are.
I went into my first 10-day meditation retreat basically having practiced at most 10 minutes a day guided with Headspace for two years. Halfway through day two of essentially 12-hours a day of unguided meditation, I had my first opportunity to speak with a teacher, now my mentor, Devon Hase. There was time for one question: “Uhhh, my mind is wandering, like, half the time…is that…normal?” A bright smile appeared on her face, “Only half!? I’m like 80%…you’re crushing it!”
See, recognizing distraction is arguably the moment to celebrate! To learn this, I used the mental note "I'm back!" when I realized I’d been distracted. Because now the mind is back in the present. How good does that feel!?
Ok, how does all this work, then…
Think about training a dog — you hold a treat over the dog’s head, eventually the dog sits, you say “sit,” and the dog gets the treat.
Pretty soon, you can remove the treat and say “sit,” and guess what…
The reason this happens is because dogs, and humans, create new habits when we repeat an action with the aid of a context cue which has a positive reward.
The habit we’re discussing here, is mindfulness.
In meditation, the breath is often the context cue. That’s because we always have it. Some find the breath to be difficult, especially if there’s related trauma, and prefer using contact with the ground, sounds, etc. as an anchor. So long as it’s emotionally neutral and often there in real life (so you remember to be mindful off the cushion), it really doesn’t matter.
Then, the action is returning to the present.
And the reward is, well the present — this study shows mind wandering happens nearly half the time, associated with unhappiness.
So, if you meditate and beat yourself up over the mind being distracted, you may be cultivating the opposite of the intended result by punishing yourself versus providing a positive reward…tell that to your competitive side! So be sure to be compassionate, treat yo’self 😊.
Fun fact, mind wandering can be helpful, during boring work and in goal-setting; it’s not all bad.
Once you’ve practiced with this for a while and the judgements of the mind wandering subside, the next instruction is — can you be okay (neutral) with things as they are? That means when you realize the mind was wandering…as well as when you realize there’s an ache in the body. Learning this type of nonjudgmental awareness is the whole point of meditation. Meditation is not about how long your mind is clear or that getting “better” over time. It is much more about noticing the pattern of distraction followed by the friendly return to the present moment and realizing how good that feels, in the moment and over time. This slowly rewires the brain to default to being more present, mindful.
Another perk of noticing distraction is meta awareness — the ability to recognize when you're on edge, for instance, which might result in not hitting send on that hastily written email.
While I do tend to feel more grounded the days I sit longer and more unsettled the days I don’t, the deeper changes are slower. I see them more on a quarterly or even annual basis — and the benefits are somewhat exponential as a function of regular, daily practice, even when I don’t totally feel like sitting or it’s unpleasant.
Of the dozens of different meditation instructions I’ve heard, this is my favorite in the way it captures the sentiments I’m describing (along with reviewing the science).
Summing it all up, one way to think about meditation is a practice to build a habit of mindfulness that works by celebrating the return to the present moment from distraction. It’s not about clearing the mind or even watching the mind always be blank. Now, the celebration doesn’t necessarily need to be a jumping for joy, but based on what I’ve heard from most of my friends and colleagues, many could benefit from thinking about this moment as a celebration to unwind the conditioned feeling of irritation, disappointment, judgement, etc. (at least that’s how it started for me).
Afterall, a still and busy mind are objects of focus alike, equal in meditation (quote from an enlightened being I can’t recall specifically who).
If you’ve been a bit hard on yourself in the past while meditating, I’m curious to learn how this affects your practice.
I’m very grateful to have learned about celebrating the return to the present from Sharon Salzberg in the app Ten Percent Happier. Pema Chödrön also offers a crisp explanation of this in her bestseller When Things Fall Apart.
If you’re wondering about an app to use, I suggest trying a few to see which you prefer (Calm is the other mainstream one I haven’t yet mentioned) and then picking one for a reasonable amount of time (weeks to months) and then switching to another — the reason for the switch suggestion is that I find learning from a variety of teachers has most informed my practice. I’m actually the biggest fan of the Plum Village App. Thich Nhat Hanh just brings the compassion that so many of us so deeply need.
After you’ve learned from teachers on apps for a bit (I recommend not more than a year), it’s time to cut the cord and practice in silence — I know, it’s no fun…at first anyway…can you allow yourself to dislike it and continue nonetheless? See, you don’t have to obey all the thoughts.
I recommend weaning off the guided meditations, alternating in unguided until you’re flying solo.
Bonus points if you can get some people together to practice with — spoiler alert, it’s less not fun.
So what are you doing tomorrow morning? Why not set an intention of giving meditation a(nother) whirl? After all, there’s no time like the present!
Then when you miss a day, don’t beat yourself up. You can just note it, and let it go! In fact, missing a day a week puts you right about at 85%, the ideal hit rate from studies. Committing isn’t carving your words in stone. It’s setting an honest intention, knowing that you'll drift. Then you can shift mindfully and recommit, strengthening the habit in this ongoing cycle of practice.
15 minutes 6 days a week is just over the recommendation from research to maintain a baseline and thus dial down the default mode network, reactivity. The flexibility is key; brute force tends to bring us further from the goal.
And if that feels too long, when starting, it can be helpful to sit for even shorter durations like a minute or two. Short daily consistency is more helpful than longer, more sporadic practice.
You can put the note somewhere that’ll stand out and where you’ll see it regularly, like on the bathroom mirror. Maybe snap a photo, and text it to a friend.
For many reading this, it can be helpful to mark days you’ve meditated on a calendar, habit tracker, etc., mindful of not becoming too attached to keeping a streak! I once broke a yearlong streak on purpose for this very reason.
And last but not least, taking a moment (ideally now) to visualize where you’ll meditate (I like setting up a dedicated space with some inspirational objects), after which activity, and before another. It's beneficial to sandwich in-between two existing habits that are very consistent and to do so in the morning, when the mind is sharpest. It can take a minute to develop the routine…you can just know it’ll be harder during this phase.
Thanks for reading,
Andy
PS if you found this valuable, please feel free to share…because I’m pretty sure the world becomes a little bit better every time someone stops to meditate 🙏🏻.
