Running On Fumes?

Disciplined in a “work before play” household, I internalized the lesson intensely.

The photo is me circa 2012, ~80 miles into a 100-mile bike ride through the Texas Hill Country in the heat of the day. Before “crashing”, the only calories in the body were from a small bowl of cereal as I rushed out the door that morning. I’d drunk less than two pints of water all day.

As I lay on the concrete barely able to move, my body spontaneously siezing from rolling cramps, completely reliant on the good grace of my friend Jack, I remember thinking to myself, “I’ll never do this to myself again. I promise.”

In retrospect, I learned the lesson with exercise in that moment, but years later, after having pushed myself on the computer for 12 hours the day before, a coach asked me, “are you ready to stop the self-flagellation?”

I wasn’t.

But the question planted a seed.

Fast-forward a number of meditation retreats and plant medicine ceremonies, and I’m internalizing a “new” way of being, actually our original way —  filling up before I exert.

It’s worth exploring the conditions that enable this shift as it doesn’t seem like a secret that this way is preferable. What motivates “work before play”?

Fear.

It’s that simple.

It wasn't pleasant when I didn’t finish all the work as a kid. And that’s not really my parents’ fault, either — it’s our cultural conditioning. Their parents were raised, and fought, in wars, where really unpleasant things happened if one didn’t do the work. Under these conditions, it made great sense to prioritize work over joy.

This is all amazing news. Because, it’s different now. And herein lies the way out. It starts with simply realizing, “I’m safe now. I’m safe here.” And then gently, continuously reminding the body and nervous system of this with soft touch, sounds, stimuli. Letting the muscles relax. Practicing this in meditation, while eating, in bed, and then especially, sitting at the desk, doing errands, cooking, cleaning. Connecting with the little one inside along the way and…remaining connected. Allowing all the emotions. Honoring them. Pausing when aroused to remember this safety, intellectually, and more importantly, somatically. I strongly recommend daily metta meditation to develop these qualities.

While daunting, yes, a packed schedule, full inbox, and barrage of notification dots does not constitute immediate danger. Yes, it can foreshadow. And. The key word in the affirmation, “now”. Right in this moment, if you are taking the time to read this, you are almost certainly safe.

Saying you'll relax “when…” is the trauma talking.

At first, one might think the net effort and net rest are the same in the end whether we work first, operating from an empty tank, or recharge first, operating from a full tank — the main difference being one’s state of mind. But this isn’t the only difference, of course — when operating from a full tank, in addition to feeling more pleasant while “working”, it requires much less effort to do things…I find myself more often in a state of flow, bringing effortless clarity around what I do and don’t need…or want…to do. Things feel less and less like “work”.

In fact, it’s clearly counter productive to leave play as a reward for work — we’re much less effective when we operate from a place of scarcity versus abundance, on the micro as well as on the macro: so, the more we fill up, the more capacity we have.

Modern research supports all of this, showing how learning through play is faster, more enduring than learning through “work”.

And we don’t want to completely fill up, completely deplete, and so on. We keep slicing time such that each moment becomes a simultaneous filling up, with the in-breath, and expression of effort, with the out-breath.

What fills you up?

For me, it starts with good rest, which starts with rhythm. A consistent bed and wake time, as well as lots of breaks throughout the day. Getting outside before looking at a screen, playing with Barkley, journaling, exercise, meditation, and healthy consumption. Doing something creative, appropriate social engagement. Winding down with candles, soft music, light yoga, gratitude.

What depletes you?

Sitting like an ice cube in the a/c for hours (the classic office environment our society once mindlessly hailed) completely takes it out of me…trying really hard / forcing myself, scrolling, most of Netflix, certain people’s company / aggressive energy, poor rest, junk food, not drinking enough water…

I’m learning to say ‘no’ lots more, to wiggle as I sit at the computer, to integrate all the time in meditation.

I don’t say ‘no’ in a vacuum; I find that in reality I say ‘no’ to protect what I’m saying ‘yes’ to. The key is to really decide what your ‘yesses’ items are, and then commit.

What do you prioritize in your life? What do you say ‘yes’ to? If you’re not clear about it, the decision will be made by your subconscious, and it probably won’t be in alignment with your values.

None of this is rocket science.

It does take some effort.

But not from a place of force, self-hatred.

From a soft place of genuine desire, compassion. For self. And for other.

Have you ever been on a walk with your partner where maybe you’re in a (subtle) disagreement, and you find one of you walking about 10 paces ahead of the other? You’re both walking the same speed, just apart. If one slows down a little and/or one speeds up a little, you can come back together and make amends.

It takes “right effort” to find alignment, integrity, as the Buddha reminds us.

Might as well rest before work, lest you end up on your back on the pavement 🙃. Just takes some intention.

Interested in going deeper? I’m co-teaching a Buddhist Meditation For Leaders class on Zoom from 11 AM - 11:55 AM PT all 6 Tuesdays 6/10 - 7/15 with 33-year former monastic, Elaine Yeh — we’d love for you to join us: https://www.sati.eco/buddhist-meditation-for-leaders.